Saturday, January 20, 2007
Sudafed Ramblings
I'm tired. Too tired to think of a cohesive way to say what is on my mind. I don't usually blog about things anymore. I don't live journal. I guess I usually don't need to talk to someone else about whats going on with Bo, because I know and thats enough. So consider this a rare treat. I miss who I was. And i think that even more so I miss who I wanted to be. I've never had a grand plan for my life that I believed that I had to accomplish. Nor have I even been the type to make specific goals or set "life markers" as I go so that I could look back on my life and agonize over things left undone. It always seems to make me sad when I think about the past... yet another reason not to write about the present as it instantly becomes another piece of my life left behind me. Its 2:37 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm tired. I'm beyond being tired. I'm shattered. The persistant stress of life finally breaking me into. I sit here on my godawful orange couch mentally pining over what used to be, and being so fed up with the way things are now. I think its the joy that I miss the most. I haven't felt that in a years. Don't missunderstand that statement to read that I'm at my witt's end searching for a razorblade. Its not like that. I have every reason to live... but no motivation to do anything about it. I also miss all that time that I used to have. I used to have all the time in the world to live, laugh, and love. Now I have all the time in the world minus all the time that I've wasted. Wasted worrying about what will happen, wasted wondering what she's thinking, wasted fooling around.
I wonder how Debbie is doing. Its been over a year since I've talked to her.
I wonder how long its been since she thought about me. Not that it matters... she never liked me anyway. Wonder what she'd think of me now.
I miss my friends. All those friends that I had at UNA that I never see anymore, that are still my friends but haven't talked to since they moved or married or messed up. I miss talking to people. I have a ton of friends that I COULD talk to but only one whom I would actually care to listen to.
I miss having a heart... and talking till daybreak about nothing.
I miss not trying so hard not to mess up.
I long for the freedom that comes with youth, but I'm not old. I feel like an old hubcap, scuffed, pitted, rusted... not worth looking at but still useful, if only to store lugnuts in.
I miss my Granny, and I see her every Sunday.
I want a hug. And icecream.
Can I be GOOD at something? Anything?
I don't like that I can't seem to talk to myself anymore without cursing.
I want to go camping, but its cold and I don't have anyone to go with.
Being bald is cruel. Why can't I have hair like Clark Gable?
I want to be pushed, and I want to pull.
I'd like to be good at photography, even if I never use it for anything but to make myself happy.
I hate that I never got to be an eagle scout. Little late now I guess.
I was born in the wrong century. I want to carry a revolver on my hip everywhere I go.
I hate that I never know what to say... can't we just not talk? Or maybe just convey thought and feelings by flashdrive?
I miss watching Indiana Jones and Goonies with my brother and quoting every line. I wish i was a better brother.
I wanna be selfish and do what I want sometimes.
I wish I could just say what I want to say and be mean like everyone else and not care.
I miss worship.
I wish singing was still enough.
I miss Josh and his disgusting dandruff.
Is it sad that all I REALLY want is to be 8 again? Or at least be able to ride a Big Wheel without looking like a loser...
Why am I still up? Its after three and I'm just sitting here, with this stupid laptop that I'm never giving back, typing about stuff that no one else knows about and doesn't matter. I'm going to bed... probably the only smart thing I've done all day.
